One of Those Days

I’m having one of those days where everything should be ok. Everyone treats u the same as usual. We even have something fun stuff planned. But today, I’m just not feeling up to life. Even the smallest criticism or remark makes me feel like something is wrong with me and feel insecure about whether those around me secretly hate me. I feel like I just want to sleep and not wake up for a long time. No one did anything cruel to me. I just have a sense of being unwanted, unneeded, and all together useless in life, like nothing really matters. Sometimes this day doesn’t end; it just goes on. 

A Dream

I once had a dream where I was in a huge house that was sliding down a hill. There were other houses that were racing ours. It was kinda like a race. Anyway we were having a party with loads of people inside the indoor pool. I was in the pool hiding in a floating child playhouse sort of thing. Out of no where, a naked Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) splashed in and startled me. At first I was like ‘what the fuck!?’, but then I noticed how naked he was. He came in to hide from some mobsters that were chasing him. As we sat quietly in the water, the sexual tension was like syrup. He reached over and pulled my head into a tight, wet kiss. We were interrupted by shouting, so he winked at me and left. Then I woke up.

Masturbation

I started masturbating when I was about twelve. Like many, I started out of curiosity.I used my fingers a little and humped the side of the bed. I later started humping my violin case. I didn’t orgasm during the first couple of times, but after I did, I masturbated more often. I decided to get creative after a while. I tried sticking a hot dog into my vagina while I humped a pillow. this made it feel even better. It was around this time that I also started reading shonen-ai, then yaoi. This inspired me to try out my back door. I started with a hot dog in my ass while I humped a pillow. When I got bored of that, I would do it with one in my vagina and anus. Because I was raised in a religious family, I felt extremely guilty after each session. I would pray and ask god to help me. I often wrote about what a horrible creature I was in my journal. This guilt eventually dulled to a minimum as I grew and learned. I remember when I found my parent’s massage vibrator that they didn’t use because they had a newer one. That opened up a whole new door for pleasure. I hid that in a nook by my bed. I still use it to this day along with an old hairbrush. I’ll suffice it to say that I no longer like to eat hot dogs.

The Boy Next Door

When I was 9, I didn’t really know a lot about sex. My parents didn’t teach me all that much, and I was not allowed to go to SHARE. At this time, a boy lived next door who was my age. he didn’t like to follow rules. I had thought that he was amazing. He taught me how to do a back flip on the trampoline. I remember that winter. I was wearing my large, poofy hot pink coat. it was afterschool, and we were dancing in the snow. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about, but he pulled his pants down and showed me his genitals. He asked me if I wanted to touch them. I was curious so I did. They were a lot squishier than I thought they would be. He asked to see mine. In the heat of the moment, I pulled down my pants. we continued to dance as it snowed around us. We lied down on my coat, and he humped me a few times. I didn’t really understand it then, and I don’t know what I was thinking.